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Jokes Cont'd

Miscellaneous

Source: Jacob M. Braude, Human Interest Stories
 --Genius: "Can't understand why you failed in business."
   Friend: "Too much advertising."
   Genius: "What do you mean-too much advertising? You never 
   spent a cent in your life on advertising."
   Friend: "I know, but my competitor did."

 --An Irishman holidaying in New York went into a drug store and asked 
   for a small tube of toothpaste. When the assistant passed him the tube, 
   he noticed it was marked "Large."
    "I'd rather have a small one," said the Irishman.
    "Listen, bud," said the assistant, "in this country toothpaste comes in 
    three sizes-Large, Giant, and Super"

 --A man lost a valuable dog and advertised in a newspaper offering $500 
   for it, but got no replies. He called at the office."
    "I want to see the advertising manager," he said.
    "He's out," said the office boy.
    "Well, how about his assistant?"
    "He's out too, sir."
    "Then I'll see the editor."
    "He's out, sir."
   "Goodness! Is everybody out?"
   "Yes-they're all hunting your dog."

  --"Why, look here," said the merchant who was in need of a boy, 
    "aren't you the same boy who was in here a week ago?"
    "Yes, sir," said the applicant.
    "I thought so. And didn't I tell you then that I wanted an older boy?"
    "Yes, sir. That's why I'm back. I'm older now."

  --Henny Youngman used to tell of the time he was ejected from an antique 
    shop. "All I did," he said, "was walk in and ask 'What's new?'"

  --An Irish drill sergeant was instructing some recruits in the mysteries 
    of marching movements. He had great difficulty in getting one fellow to 
    halt when the command was given. After explaining and illustrating 
    several times, he approached the recruit, sized him up silently for a 
    couple of minutes, and then demanded his name.
    "Casey sir," was the reply.
    "Well, Casey, did ye iver drive a mule?"
    "Yis, sor."
    "An' what did ye say whin ye wanted him t' stop?"
    "Whoa," answered Casey.
    The sergeant turned away and immediately put his squad in motion. 
    After they had advanced a dozen paces he bawled out at the top of his 
    voice: "Squad halt! Whoa, Casey!"

 --When Stephen Leacock was asked by ambitious would-be authors to impart 
   his magic formular for writing success, he would reply, "It is not hard 
   to write funny stuff. All you have to do is procure a pen and paper, 
   and some ink, and then sit down and write it as it occurs to you."
    "Yes, yes," the would-be writer prompted.
    "The writing is not hard," Leacock would conclude, "but the 
   occurring-that my friend, is the difficulty."

 --A grizzled old banker, who pioneered in a small Western town, was 
   being interviewed on the subject of his successful career.  
    "How did you get started in the banking business?" queried the inerviewer.
    "It was very simple," repliedthe banker. "I put up a sign reading: BANK. 
   A man came in and gave me $100. Then another came in and handed me $200. 
   By that time my confidence had reached such a point that I decided to 
   put in $50 of my own."

 --A group of girls were boasting of the rank of their repspective families. 
   They had passed from clothes to personal appearance, then to interior 
   furnishings, and finally to parental dignity. The minister's girl boasted:
   "Every package that comes for my papa is marked D.D."
   "And every package that comes for my papa is marked M.D.," retorted 
   the daughter of the physician.
   The followed a look of contempt from the youngest of the party, 
   "Huh," she exclaimed, "every package that comes to our house is marked C.O.D."

 --An American businessman, visiting in Mexico, watched an Indian making 
   pottery vases. He asked the price. "Twenty centavos each."
   "And for 100?"
   The native thought it over, the answered: "That will be 40 centavos each."
   The American thought the Indian was making a mistake in his quotation 
   of the price, so he tried again. "And if I bought 1000 all alike?"
   "All alike? One thousand? Well, then they would cost you 60 centavos apiece."
   "Impossible! Why, you must be insane!"
   "It could be," replied the Indian. "But I'd have to make so many all 
   alike, and I wouldn't enjoy that. So you see, you would have to pay 
   me well for my work as well as for my boredom."

 --Boss: "Integrity and wisdom are essential to success in this business. 
   Integrity means when you promise a customer something, keep that 
   promise even if we lose money."
    New employee: "And what is wisdom?"
    Boss: "Don't make such promises."

 --The timid boys entered the village hardware store. The gruff proprietor 
   said to the oldest, "What do you want, Zeke?"
      "A dime's worth of BB shot, please."
   The old man climbed a ladder, brought down the shelf box that contained
   the air-rifle shot, made up the packet and returned the box to the shelf 
   above. Then he asked the second boy, "What do you want, Tim?"
      "A dime's worth of BB's, please," was the meek answer.
      "Why didn't you say so before?" said the old man irritably, as he went 
   for the ladder again. He made up the packet as before, and then 
   turned to the third.
       "And do you want a dime's worth of BB's too?" he demanded.
       "No," replied Joe hesitatingly.
   The old man climbed laboriously to the shelf again and deposited the box 
   of shot. Then he returned to the counter.
       "Well, my boy, what do you want?" he demanded of Joe.
       "A nickel's worth of BB shot," said Joe.

 --"I had a terrible argument with the electric company over our bills," 
    she told her husband when he got home from work.
    "Who won?" he asked.
   "We compromised. They don't get any more money, we don't get any more electricity."

 --"Darling," scolded the mother. "You shouldn't always keep everything for 
   yourself. I have told you before that you should let your brother play 
   with your toys half of the time."
       "I've been doing it," Darling replied. "I take the sled going 
   downhill and he takes it going up hill."

 --"Well, thank goodness they're giving up on this bill-this says it's
   their final notice."

 --The first aid specialist, instructing a class of Girl Scouts, asked: 
   "Why does a surgeon wear a mask while performing an operation?" 
   One little girl replied: "So that if he makes a mess of it, 
   the patient won't know who did it."

 --"Your heart is quite sound. With such a heart you ought to live to be seventy." 
     "But, doctor, I am seventy."
     "There! What did I tell you?"

 --"Doc," he said, "if there's anything wrong with me, don't give me a 
   long scientific name. Say    it so I can understand it."
    "Very well," the doctor agreed, "you're lazy."
    "Thanks, doc, now give me the scientific name so I can tell my boss."

 --A doctor examining an attractive new patient, beamed, 
   "Mrs. Atherton, I've got good news for you."
   The patient said, "Pardon me, it's Miss Atherton."
  "Oh," said the doctor. "Well, Miss Atherton, I've got bad news for you."

 --"But, doctor," said the worried patient, "are you sure I'll pull through? 
   I've heard of cases where the doctor has made a wrong diagnosis, and 
   treated someone for pneumonia who has afterward died of typhoid fever."
   "Nonsense," spluttered the affronted physician. "When I treat a patient 
   for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."

 --"Sir," said the timid employee, "my wife said I was to ask you for a raise."
   "Good," said the boss. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."

 --He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
  He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
  And when he up and passed away, insurance was denied.
  For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died.

-The court: "Why do you wish a new trial for your client?"
  Lawyer: "On the grounds of newly-discovered matter, your honor."
  The court: "And what's the nature of that?"
  Lawyer: "My client has dug up $500 that I didn't know he had."

 --For more than six months a salesman had been calling on the buyer for 
  a certain firm, but the buyer never bought anything. After each interview 
  the salesman would say, "Thank you very much. I wish I had fifty 
  customers like you."
      Mystified, the buyer finally said, "Look here, I don't mind your coming 
   in here every week or two and showing your samples. I buy nothing, but 
   you always say the same thing-'Thank you very much. I wish I had fifty 
   customers like you.' Why do you make this statement?"
      "Well," replied the salesman, smiling, "right now I have about 
   two hundred customers like you. I really do wish that I had only fifty."

 --A customer goes into a pet store and points to a large dog and asks:
   "How much?"
   The proprietor says, "$50."
   The guy points to a medium-sized dog and asks: "And how much is that one?"
    "$100," replies the pet store man.
    "Well," the guy persists, "how much is that little teeny weeny 
   dog in the corner?"
    "That one is $200," the proprietor says.
   The guy gets and alarmed look on his face. "How much will it cost me 
   if I don't buy any dog at all?"
								--Ollie M. James.

 --In the good old days, a king and queen were so fond of their court 
   jester they often had him as their sole dinner guest. On one such 
   occasion, the jester asserted: "An apology can be worse than an insult."
    "Either you prove that," remarked the royal host, "or I'll have you beheaded."
     After dinner his royal highness happened to bend over. WHAM! The 
   jester landed a lusty kick on the royal pants, then quickly cried: 
   "Pardon me, Sire. I thought you were the Queen."													--Alex F. Osborn-

 --A young man was deeply in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told 
   him that the next day would be her birthday, and he laughingly said 
   he would send her a bunch of roses, one for each year of her life.
   That evening he wrote to his florist, ordering twenty-four roses to 
   be sent to the young lady    on the first delivery the following day.
      The proprietor of the flower shop, looking over the mail in the morning, 
   said to his salesman:
   "Tom, here's an order from young Mr. Higgins for twenty-four roses. 
   He's a mighty good customer; let's give him a break and put in an extra dozen."
   And the young man never did find out what made the young lady so angry with him.

 --A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on 
   his back across a river. "Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll 
   sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."
  "My dear turtle," laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you 
   would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?"
   "You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard 
   and halfway across he river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they 
   both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said: 
   "Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in 
   your stinging me. Why did you do it?"
  It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. 
  "It's just my character."

 --A man was giving a government clerk information for filling out a 
   required form. When the clerk came to "Nationality" he said, 
   "You're French, aren't you?"
   "No, English," replied the citizen. "Both my father and mother 
   are English."
   "But you were born in France," protested the clerk.
   "What's that got to do with it?" demanded the exasperated citizen.
   "If your dog had puppies in a stable, you wouldn't call them horses."

 --An old story tells of a father who, in guiding his son, told him to drive 
   a nail into a post every time he did an evil thing, and to withdraw one 
   nail each time he did a good act. The son did so, but regretted he could 
   not pull out the nail holes. So with the record of every life. We may 
   amend, change our program, turn over a new leaf-but some flaws remain. 
   Habits long continued become hard to break. The nail holes stay, and 
   they remind us of bad decisions.

 --The man was charged with assault and battery. Throughout the cross-examination 
   he maintained he had merely pushed his victim "a little bit."
	"Well, about how hard?" asked prosecuting counsel.
	"Oh, just a little bit."
	"Now," said counsel, "for the benefit of the judge and jury, will 
   you please step down here and, with me for a subject, illustrate 
   just how hard you mean."
	The defendant descended and approached the waiting counsel. 
   When he reached him the spectators were amazed to see him slap the 
   lawyer in the face, seize him bodily, and finally, with a supreme effort, 
   lift him from the floor and hurl him prostrate across the table.
 	Turning from the bewildered counsel, he faced the Court and 
   explained, mildly, "Your lordship and gentlemen, about one-tenth that hard!"

 --One of two women riding on a bus suddenly realized she hadn't paid her 
   fare. "I'll go right up and pay it," she declared. 
   "Why bother?" her friend replied. "You got away with it-so what?"
   "I've found that honesty always pays," the other said virtuously, 
   and went up to pay the driver.
   "See, I told you honesty pays!" she said when she returned. 
   "I handed the driver a quarter and he gave me change for fifty cents."

 --Two moving men were struggling with a big crate in a doorway. 
   They pushed and tugged until they were exhausted but it wouldn't move.
   Finally, the man on the outside said, "We'd better give up, we'll never get this in."
	The fellow on the inside said, "What do you mean get it in, 
   I thought you were trying to get it out."

 --David, a second-grader, was bumped while getting on the school bus and 
   suffered a two-inch cut on his cheek. At recess he collided with another 
   boy and two of his teeth were knocked loose. At noon while sliding on ice, 
   he fell and broke his wrist. Later at the hospital, he father noticed 
   David clutching a quarter in his good hand. "I found it on the ground 
   when I fell," David said. "This is the first quarter I ever found. 
   This sure is my lucky day."

 --In 1812 an English Quaker was disowned for marrying a Unitarian. 
   It is reported that he was readmitted after having made a declaration 
   to the effect that, though he could not-out of courtesy to his 
   wife-say that he repented having married her, he could say he 
   would not do it again.

 --A salesman who was growing nervous about traveling by air went to a 
   statistician one day. "Can you tell me," he asked, "what the odds 
   would be against my boarding an aircraft on which somebody had hidden a bomb?"
     "I can't tell you until I've analyzed the available data," the 
   statistician replied. "Come back again in a week."
     "Well," the salesman asked on his next visit, "do you have the answer?"
     "Certainly," the statistician said. "The odds are one million to one 
   against your getting on an aircraft with a bomb on it."
     "Those are good odds," the sales man mused. "But I'm not sure they're 
   good enough for me. I travel a good deal."
     "Well, if you want to be really safe," the statistician said, 
   "carry a bomb with you. The odds are one billion to one against your 
   boarding an aircraft with two bombs on it."

 --A fisherman insisted it was time to start fishing even though his 
   wife protested that he wouldn't catch anything. On his way home after 
   a day of hard luck, he went to a fish store and said to the clerk, 
   "Just stand where you are and throw me five of the biggest fish you've got."
    The clerk could hardly believe him and demanded, "Why throw them?"
    The angler replied, "So I can tell my wife I caught them. I may be a 
   poor fisherman but I am no liar."

 --It is a good thing for the average person to get away from his daily 
   work once a year. It breaks routine and interrupts old habits. When 
   he comes back with a refreshed mind, he sees his job in a new light,
   and often he finds he can make little improvements…

 --A foreign gentleman got into a taxi and looked appealingly at the driver. 
   "I haven't much good English," he began brokenly, "and I've lost the word."
   "You mean you've forgotten the name of the street where you want to go?" 
   asked the driver.
   The man nodded, tapping his head vigorously as though to shake the 
   missing word loose. Finally he smiled and said, 
   "Take me to the wife of king street."
   The taxi driver lost no time in driving him to Queen Street.

 --A farmer was detained for questioning about an elections scandal. 
   "Did you sell your vote?" the U.S. attorney asked.
   "No sirree, not me," the farmer protested. "I voted for that there fella 
   'cause I liked him."
   "C'mon, now," threatened the attorney. "I have good evidence that 
   he gave you five dollars."
   "Well, now," the farmer said, "it's plain common sense that when 
   a feller gives ya five dollars ya like him."

Country Store

 
   A vacationer noticed a sign that warned DANGER! BEWARE OF
   DOG!, posted on the glass door of a little country store.
   Inside the store, a harmless-looking old hound dog was
   asleep on the floor by the cash register.
   "Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?" he
   asked the store manager.
   "Yup." The man replied.
   The vacationer was amused. "That doesn't look like a
   dangerous dog to me. Why the sign?"
 
   "Well," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign,
   people kept tripping over him."

Carpet-Layer

 
   After finishing a hard day's work on his own - because his
   partner didn't show up - a carpet-layer cleaned up all his
   tools and prepared to leave. Patting his pocket, he
   realized that his cigarette pack was missing. Looking
   around the room, he noticed a small lump in the center of
   the carpeting he just finished laying, just about the size
   of his cigarette pack. Considering for a minute, he finally
   decided to lay a board over the lump and hammer it flat.
   Relieved that the lump was no longer noticeable, and that
   he wouldn't have to pull the carpet up again, he loaded his
   equipment into his truck, and found his cigarettes laying
   on the front seat. Just then the lady of the house ran out
   to his truck.
 
   "The carpeting looks great," she assured him, "but I was
   wondering if you had seen my parakeet?"

Speeder

   Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed
   limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car
   was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so
   I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas
   pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the
   speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I
   decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got
   out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he
   said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I
   just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and
   I'll let you go."
 
   Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife
   ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser
   following me, I thought you were that cop and that you were
   trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

Keep An Eye On Her

   A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts
   his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife.
   If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was 
   to notify him immediately. After about a week with no
   contact, the businessman received a telegram containing
   only one sentence.
 
   "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't
   show up yesterday."

School Grades

 
   When Kristi got home from school, she proudly told her
   father that she got a 100 in school that day. Pleased, her
   father told her to sit down and tell him all about it.
 
   "Well," Kristi explained, "I got a 20 in math, a 30 in
   science, and a 50 in spelling!"

Hobo

 
   Walking up to the front door of a big farmhouse, a hobo
   knocked lightly on the door until the owner answered. The
   hobo said, "Please, sir, could I have something to eat? I
   haven't had a meal in days."
   The well-dressed homeowner said, "I may have made a fortune
   supplying goods to people, but I never give away anything
   for nothing. However, if you go around to the back of the
   house, you'll fine a gallon of paint and a clean brush.
   Paint my porch and I'll give you a good meal."
   The hobo headed off to the back of the house and a few
   hours later he came back to knock on the door again. The
   homeowner was surprised. "Finished already? That's great!
   Come on in and sit down, and I'll have the cook bring you a
   meal."
 
   "Thank you, sir!" the hobo said. "I should tell you though,
   that you don't know your cars. That's not a Porch. It's a
  BMW."

Homework Tales

 
   "Duane, where's your homework?" Miss Malone said sternly to
   the boy, holding out her hand.
   "I don't have it," the boy replied. "My dog ate it."
   "Duane, I've been a teacher for twenty years. Do you really
   expect me to believe that story?"
 
   "I swear it's true!" insisted the boy. "I had to force him,
   but he did eat it!"

County Employees

 
   A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank,
   and took a break by his car while drinking a soda. As he
   relaxed, he watch a couple of men working along the
   roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep
   and then move on. The other man came along behind him by
   about 25 feet and filled in the hole. The men worked right
   past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the
   road. Overcome by curiousity, the fellow headed for the
   first man. "Hey there," he said to the men. "Can you tell
   me what's going on here with this digging?"
   "We work for the county government, " one of the men said.
   "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling
   it up. Isn't that a waste of the county's money?"
   "Well," one of the men replied, "normally there's three of
   us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in
   the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back."
 
  "Yeah," Mike added. "Just because Rodney's sick, that don't
  mean we can't work, does it?"

Bad News

 
   A man wasn't feeling well so he went to his doctor for a
   complete checkup. After a long wait for the results, the
   doctor finally came back out.
   "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said.
   "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
   "Oh no! I can't believe it!" says the man. "How long do I
   have?"
   "Ten," the doctor says sadly.
   "Ten?" the man asks. "What do you mean by that? Ten what?
   Months? Weeks? What?!"
 
   "Nine..."
   

Parrot Shopping

 
   A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop
   owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and
   said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
   "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
   The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
   The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
   "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything
   the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX
   operating system."
   Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third
   parrot.
   "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
   "And what does that one do?" the man asked.
 
   The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a
   thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Two Bats

 
   One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their
   cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some
   blood!" And he flew out of the cave.
   He returned about three hours later with blood dripping
   from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat
   asked.
   "Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree
   on the left?"
   "Yes," the other bat replied.
 
   "Well, I didn't."

Car Wreck

 
   On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars
   together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were
   totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured. The
   woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We
   should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so
   let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this
   wreck."
   The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and
   handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it
   back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his
   car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
 
   "No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops
   to get here."

Tax Humor

 
   Q: Did you ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
   A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and the
   IRS gets $40.

Silly Stuff

 
   A neutron in a bar has just finished his drink. "How much
   do I owe you?" the neutron asks the bartender.
 
   The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

Tee Off

 
   Bob stood over his tee shot, adjusting and readjusting his
   stance over and over again, making his golf buddy crazy.
   Finally his friend said, "What the hell is taking you so
   long! Hit the ball already!"
   "Give me a minute," Bob replied. "My wife is up there
   watching me from the clubhouse and I want to make this a
   perfect shot."
 
   His friend said, "Man, you don't stand a snowball's chance
   in hell of hitting her from here!"

Responsibility

 
   During an interview, the employer said to the applicant,
   "In this particular job, it's very important that we hire
   someone who is responsible!"
 
   The applicant replied, "Then I'm the one you want! In my
   last job, every time something went wrong, they said I was
   responsible!"

Painting Nuns

 
   On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a
   room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in
   those black robes, they decided to take off all their
   clothes and paint naked. An hour later, someone knocked on
   the door of the church.
   "Who is it?" they called out.
   "I'm the blind man," came the reply.
   The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to
   see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they
   were painting. They were surprised when he walked around
   the room with no difficulty.
 
   "Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?" 

Some Definitions Not In The Dictionary

   AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. 
   Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with 
   your toes. 

   CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. 
   The act, when vacuuming,of running over a string or a piece of lint 
   at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining 
   it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 

   DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. 
   To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing 
   on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs. 

   ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n.
   The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

   FRUST (frust) n. 
   The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust 
   pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally 
   decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 

   LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. 
   Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly 
   that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 

   PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. 
   The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be 
   walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 

   PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
   The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you w
   ere calling just as they answer. 
 
   PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. 
   The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 
 
   TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. 
   The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you 
   pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. 
From: Ecloudff7

The Young Female Teacher

   An attractive, young female teacher was giving an
   assignment to her 6th-grade class one day, and she reached
   up high on the blackboard. She heard one boy giggling and
   quickly turned around. "What's so funny, Billy?"
   "I just saw one of your garters!" the boy said.
   "Billy, get out of my classroom. I don't want to see you
   here again for three days!"
   She turned back to the blackboard and reached back up
   again. Suddenly she heard an even louder giggle from the
   front row. Turning around, she said, "What is it now?
   Frankie? Why are you laughing?"
   "I just saw BOTH your garters!" he giggled.
   "That's it!" she yelled. "I don't want to see you for three
   WEEKS! Go to the principal's office. Now!" Frustrated, she
   dropped her eraser when she turned around and bent over to
   pick it up. Hearing laughter, she whipped around just in
   time to see Bobby standing up to leave the classroom.
   "Where do you think you're going, mister?" she demanded.
 
   "Well, from what I just saw, I think my school days are
   over!"

Miscellaneous

Source: Braude, Jacob Morton. Complete Speaker's And Toastmaster's Library.
1. There was a senator who was to  introduce another senator as the 
   principal speaker at a big luncheon in Washington. "What can I say 
   about you?" asked the first senator. "Oh, be as generous as you like,
   " replied the second, "you won't be under oath."

2. When President Theodor Roosevelt was once making a political speech 
   in Maine he asked if there was a Democrat in the audience. An old 
   whiskered man rose in the back of the room and said, "I am a Democrat." 
   Roosevelt then asked him why he was a Democrat, and he said: "I've 
   always been a Democrat, my father was a Democrat, and my grandfather 
   was a Democrat." Roosevelt then said: "Then if your father had been
   a horsethief and your grandfather had been a horsethief you would be 
   a horsethief?" "Oh, no," he replied, "in that case I would be a Republican."


3. A high school teacher who had an unruly class and also a sense of 
   humor came in one morning and found bedlam had broken loose. He slapped 
   his palm on the desk and lifted his voice. "I demand pandemonium," he said. 
   A hush fell on the class as though he'd demanded quiet.
   "Just proves," this teacher declared, "that it ain't what you say but 
   how you say it."

4.When Dr. Edith Sitwell and her brother, Osbert Sitwell, we in Hollywood, 
   they gave a reading of their poems. Osbert Sudenly turned to the audience 
   and asked: "Can you hear me?"
         One man answered: "No."
         Osbert replied: "Then pay a little more attention."

5. The story is told of Orson Welles, that he once lectured in a small 
   Midwestern town before a very sparse audience. He opened his remarks 
   with a brief sketch of his career. Said he: "I'm a director of plays 
   and also a producer of plays. I am an actor of the stage and motion 
   pictures. I write and produce motion pictures and I write, direct, and 
   act on the radio. I am a magician and painter. I've published books. I play 
   the violin and the piano." At this point he paused and, surveying his 
   audience, remarked, "Isn't it a pity there are so many of me and so few of you!"

6. Walking with a friend one day, Fritz Kreisler passed a large fish shop 
   where a fine catch of codfish, with mouths open and eyes staring, were 
   arranged in a row. Kreisler suddenly stopped, looked at them, and clutching 
   his friend by the arm, exclaimed:
         "Heavens! That reminds me-I should be playing at a concert!"

7. Artemus Ward used to tell a good story on himself. He was at the time one of 
   America's leading lecturers and platform personalities. While vacationing 
   in the South and desirous of keeping in practice, he offered to give a 
   series of free talks before the inmates of the local prison. The offer was 
   accepted but his appearance was coolly received by the prisoners. He was 
   left with the impression that they would have much preferred to be left undisturbed.
   Before Ward's second appearance in the series was due, a delegation of inmates 
   called upon the warden.
   "We wish to protest against these lectures," said the spokesman. 
   "They were not included in our sentences."
								~Patrick Mahony~

8. A speaker talked loud and long, then asked brightly, "Are there any questions?" 
   A hand shot up. The speaker nodded.
        "What time is it?" the listener inquired.

9. A boring lecturer while speaking during a torrential rainstorm said to 
   his audience, "I'm afraid I've kept you too long."
   "Keep right on going," replied a voice from the rear, "it's still 
   raining outside."

10. A minister, during the course of his sermon, suggested that there would
   be a meeting of the Board at the foot of the dais at the close of the sermon. 
   When it was over, a group collected at the foot of the platform, but one 
   man looked like a stranger. "You're not a member of the Board of Directors,"
   said the minister to him. "Oh, I'm sorry," was the reply, "I misunderstood 
   you. I thought you said a meeting of those who were bored."

11. Called on for an impromptu speech at a dinner one night a Yale graduate 
    bethought himself of his alma mater and lauded her by proclaiming that 
    the "Y" stood for youth, when all might enjoy the benefits of college; 
    the "A" for the appreciation for all the finer things which college makes
    possible; the "L" for that loyalty from which all sincere endeavor stems. 
    After about an hour of all this he ended with "E" which he said stood for 
    the efficiency of the graduates of Old Eli. 
    Out in the audience, one drowsing listener murmured to his neighbor, 
    "Thank God he didn't attend the Massachusetts Institute of Technology."

12. A prominent politician was due to arrive for a speech in a little western 
    town. Members of the arrangements committee formed a motorcade to meet 
    the distinguished man at the edge of town and escort him to the public 
    hall with proper fanfare.
    But there was a mix-up-the speaker arrived by train. The cavalcade came 
    dejectedly back to town.
    After completing his address that evening, the visitor was approached by 
    the chairman of the welcoming committee.
      "Sir," said the chairman, "we're powerful sorry that we didn't have 
    the opportunity to escort you into our city, but we'll take great pleasure 
    in escorting you out of it."
							~Jack Kytle~

13. A college professor opened his speech to a group of club women with this remark:
    "I am told that I should begin with a joke, but I know only one that would 
    be appropriate to tell you ladies, and it has nothing to do with our subject, 
    so let's get on with the job."

14. The chairman was introducing a speaker who had complained to him in advance
    that he would have difficulty because he had left his dental plate at home. 
    The chairman was prepared to be helpful. He reached into his pocket and 
    brought forth a set of false teeth which he asked to speaker to try. 
    They were a bit loose and he handed them back to the chairman who reached 
    into another pocket and brought out a second set. These were too tight. 
    The chairman was prepared. He reached into yet another pocket and came up 
    with a third set. They fit perfectly. The speaker was elated and lost no 
    time in expressing his gratitude.
           "You must be a dentist," he remarked, "and a good one at that."
           "No, I'm sorry, I'm not," replied the chairman, "I'm only an undertaker."

15. "Doctor," a wife asked a renowned medical man, "can you tell me why it is 
    that some people are born dumb?"
           "Why-" replied the medical man, "it is due either to some 
    congenital inhibition of the faculty of articulation, or to some anatomical
    deficiency in the organs of vocalization."
           "There, now," she remarked triumphantly, glancing at her husband, 
    "see what it is to have an education? I've asked Henry more than a hundred 
    times why it was, and all he could say was 'because they're just born that way.'"

A Morning Accident

 
    One day an employee came into work with both of his ears
    bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.
    "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I
    accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
    "Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
    about the other?"
 
    "They called back!"
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