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Jokes, Third Page

The Baby Sister

Taking care of his baby sister one day while his parents went shopping, young John decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. When his parents returned later in the day, John told them, "I'll never take her fishing with me again! I didn't catch a thing!" His mother patted him on the shoulder and said," Oh, I'm sure she'll be nice and quiet next time and not scare away all the fish." John replied, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"

The Act Of Generosity

Chatting with her next-door neighbor, Amy said, "I feel really good today. I started the day with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to be handing out like that. What did your husband say?" her neighbor asked. "He said, 'Thanks!'"

Fishing With Dad

A man took his son fishing one day. After a few hours in the boat with not much to do, the son started asking his father some questions. "How does the boat float?" he asked. The man thought about the question for a moment, then said, "I don't really know, son." "Well, how do fish breath underwater?" The man scratched his head. "I guess I don't know the answer to that one either." "Why is the sky blue?" the boy persisted. The father replied, "I really don't know, son." The boy started to worry that his father was getting upset at all the questions. "Do you mind me asking questions, Dad?" His father immediately reassured him. "No, of course not, son! If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

The Cemetery Visit

A woman and her young daughter were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother one Sunday. As they passed through the cemetery on the way back to their car, the little girl said, "Mommy? Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Oh no, of course not, dear!" the mother replied. "Why on earth would you think that?" "Well, that one back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

More Birds And Bees?

Little Lucy ran out to the backyard where her father was working on the grill and asked him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Nervous about the question, but feeling that it must be time, her father sat her down and told her all about the birds and the bees. He explained about how women and men were different, how they had intercourse to make babies and how girls go through puberty and menstruation. Seeing that she was fascinated by the conversation and listening intently, he expanded into a wide variety of related topics, figuring she might as well be well informed. Finally finishing his lecture, he asked her, "So what made you want to know about sex?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you that lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

Devoted Couple

One evening, watching her neighborhood from her front porch, a wife pointed out one young couple on their street to her husband. "Do you see that couple? They are so devoted. He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

Driving With The Little Woman

Driving home with his wife one day, a man was stopped by the police. The cop said, "Sir, you were going 60 mph in a 50 mph zone." "No I wasn't," the man said. His wife leans over and says, "Yes you were, honey." "Why don't you shut the hell up?" he told her. The cop continues, "You also didn't have your seatbelt on, sir." "Yes I did," the man said. "No, honey, no you didn't," his wife chimed in. "Didn't I just tell you to shut up?" the man shouted. The cop finally leans into the window and says, "Ma'am, is this your husband?" "He sure is," she replied. "Is he always this mean and rude with you?" the cop asked. The woman smiled at him and said, "No, officer, only when he's drunk."

The Young Marine

One day a young Marine and his commanding officer were aboard a train heading through the mountains of Switzerland. They sat directly across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. Before long, the young Marine and the young lady were eyeing each other with mutual attraction. Suddenly passing through a mountain tunnel, it was pitch black in the train for a few minutes. Nothing could be seen in the car of the train, and the only sounds were the smack of a kiss, followed by a slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four people sat without saying a word. The grandmother was thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him." The commanding officer was thinking: "I didn't know this young Marine was brave enough to kiss that girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him and slapped me instead!" The young woman was thinking: "I'm glad the handsome Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother wouldn't have slapped him!"

The Accident Scene

A cop arrived at the scene of an accident where a car had smashed into a tree. Rushing up to the vehicle, he asked the driver, "Sir! Are you seriously hurt?" "I don't know," the driver responded. "I haven't spoken to my lawyer yet."

The Guillotine

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were led to the guillotine for their crimes. The executioner pulled the priest forward first and asked him if he wanted to be facing up or down when he met his face. "Upward," said the priest. "I want to be looking toward heaven when I die." The blade zoomed downward, but stopped just an inch short of the priest's throat. All assembled agreed that it was divine intervention, and let the priest go free. The drunkard was pulled forward next, and decided to copy the priest, hoping he would get as lucky. Again the blade zoomed down but stopped just short of the drunkard's throat. So the authorities released him as well. It was finally the engineer's turn. He, like the others, decided to face upward. The blade slowly raised back into place. "Oh, hey, I think I know what the problem is." The engineer exclaimed. "That cable to the left appears to be catching the rope!"

A Bar One Night

A man walks into a bar one night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting at a table by herself. Walking up to her, he introduces himself and asks if he can buy her a drink. The woman stands up abruptly and shouts, "WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A PROSTITUTE?" She storms back to the bathrooms and the man, red-faced and completely embarrassed, finds a table in a corner and sits down with his beer. Fifteen minutes later, the woman comes back out and finds him. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm a psychology major and I just wanted to see your reaction to what I said." The man jumps up, walks to the middle of the room, and shouts, "FIFTY DOLLARS? YOU MUST BE JOKING!"

Memory Test

Three elderly men visited the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first one, "What's three times three?" "285!" the man replied. Worried, the doctor turned to the second man. "How about you? What's three times three?" "Uh, Monday!" the second man shouted. Even more concerned, the doctor motioned to the third man. "Well, what do you say? What's three times three?" "Nine!" the third man replied. "Excellent!" the doctor exclaimed. "How did you get that?" "Oh, it's pretty simple," the man explained. "You just subtract the 285 from Monday!"

The Little Guy

A little guy was sitting at a bar one day, drinking his beer and minding his own business, when a great big guy walked by and -- BAM! -- knocked him off his bar stool. "That was a karate chop from Korea!" the big guy said, grinning. The little guy gets up, angry, but figuring that the big guy was probably drunk, he decided to just get back on his stool and finish his beer. All of the sudden -- BAM! -- the big guy comes back by and knocks him off the stool again. "That was a judo chop from Japan!" he yelled happily. The little guy had been through enough. He got back up, brushed himself off, swallowed the last of his beer, and left. An hour later he returned. Finding the big guy with his back to him, the little guy walked up and -- BAM! -- knocked him right off his stool and out cold on the floor. The little guy yelled over to the bartender on his way out the door, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

The Gas Men

Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"

Traffic Ticket

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what the hell's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

Making It Rich

A young lad asked an old man how he became so rich. The old man replied, "Well, son, it was 1932 and the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel, so I invested it in an apple. I spent an entire day polishing that apple and at the end of the day, I sold it for a dime. So the next day I bought two apples. I polished them all day and sold them at the end of the day for two dimes. I continued doing this for a month, and by the end of that month, I had accumulated a total, minus expenses of course, of $4.00." "And then what?" the lad asked. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars!"

The Swiss Guy

A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked. The two Aussies just stared at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Early Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the defendant.

Interview

Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"

Success

"Mr. Heads, what is the secret of your success?" "Two words." "What are they?" "Right decisions." "And how do you make right decisions?" "Two words." "What are they?" "Wrong decisions."