Tit For Tat
	Two ministers were walking along a country road. One of 
them took a cigar out of his pocket, lit it and began to 
smoke. The other viewed this action with obvious disfavor, 
and didn't hesitate to say so. "Brother, I see you smoke. 
I am amazed at you. Are you not aware that it is an inex-
cusably vile habit? Why, even a pig won't smoke!"
	They walked on in silence for a few minutes, and then 
the smoker uncorked the following reply, between puffs on 
his cigar: "Brother--I've been thinking of what you just 
said--about a pig not smoking--and I infer that you mean--to 
suggest some subtle resemblance--between me and a pig. But, my
dear brother--inasmuch as you do not smoke--and the pig does
not smoke--it appears to me that there is a greater resemblance
between you and the pig--than between me and the pig!"
	
Curiosity
A man was walking along the side of a fence with an insane
asylum on the other side. A patient was yelling "Five!
Five! Five!" The man wondered why someone would yell like
that when he came upon a hole in the fence. He stuck his
eye up to the hole to see what was happening and a finger
poked him in the eye. The patient then started to yell,
"Six!, Six! Six!"


So Dumb It Hurts
A man stopped his car to ask for directions. "Excuse me,
Sir. What's the quickest way to town?"
 
"Are you walking or driving?" asked the local man.
 
"I'm driving."
 
"Well, that's the quickest way!"


Relief
An IRS Tax auditor came to review a man’s records and said,
"Mr. Peterson, we feel it is a great privilege to be
allowed to live and work in the USA and we expect you to
pay your taxes with a smile."
 
"What a relief!," said Mr. Peterson, "I thought you wanted
me to pay with cash."
 

Confirmation
 A man phones a mental hospital and asks if there is anybody
in Room 13-A.
 
The receptionist says, " Sir, that room is empty."
 
"Great!" says the man. "That means I really DID escape!"


Emergency
 An old man drove himself to the hospital, barely managing
to walk in from the parking lot after suffering a horrible
fall.
 
The nurse said, "Oh, my! Sir, why didn't you call the 911
number and get an ambulance?"
 
The man said, "I have an old phone. It doesn't have an
eleven."


Job Interview
Joe is applying for a job at the railroad and during the
interview, an inspector asks him: "What would you do if you
saw two trains were heading towards each other on the same
track?"
 
Joe says: "I would switch one train to another track."
 
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
 
"Then I’d use the manual lever", answers Joe.
 
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" asks the
inspector.
 
"I’d use the phone to call the next signal box."
 
"What if the phone was busy?"
 
"I’d use the public phone near the station".
 
"What if that had been vandalized?"
 
"If that happened," Joe answers, " I'd run home and get my
Aunt Wilma".
 
The inspector asked, "Why would you do that?"
 
"Because Aunt Wilma's never seen a train crash."


The Bear
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor
asks him how he's feeling.
 
"Never better!," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old
bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about
that?"
 
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well,
let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter.
One day he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his
gun. So he's walking in the woods and suddenly sees a bear.
The bear is about to attack him when the hunter raises up
his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the
handle... Suddenly, he hears a loud gunshot and the bear
drops dead in front of him."
 
"That's impossible!" said the old man, "Someone else must
have shot the bear."
 
"My point, precisely!"


Thief...Hic!
A drunk phoned the police, "My car's been vandalized!
They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal,
even the accelerator!"
 
The police were about ready to drive over to see what was
left of the car when the drunk called a second time.
 
"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the
backseat by mistake!"


Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. In
the middle of the night, Holmes had a question for Watson.
 
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
 
Watson thought and answered. "The stars are bright and
there are no clouds in the heavens. Therefore, I deduct
that we will see a day full of sunshine. Tell me,
Holmes. What do you deduct?"
 
Holmes turned and said. "Watson, you moron. Someone stole
our tent!"


Funny Accent
A child living in Kentucky asks his mother about their
Boston relatives. "Why do they talk so funny? They always
sound like their noses are stuffy."
 
"Well, everybody talks in different ways" she tried to
explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all
our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
 
"Oh, no!", the boy answered. "You mean they hear funny
too?"


Lazy
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do chores
around the house. When the examination was complete, he
asked the doctor, "Tell me in plain English what is wrong
with me."
 
"In plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
 
"I see," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I
can tell my wife."


Typical
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. About a half hour after they left,
the old woman realized that she left her glasses on the
table and had to go back to get them.
 
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the
restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got
out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said,
"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."


Homework Tales
"Duane, where's your homework?" Miss Malone said sternly to
the boy, holding out her hand.
"I don't have it," the boy replied. "My dog ate it."
"Duane, I've been a teacher for twenty years. Do you really
expect me to believe that story?"
 
"I swear it's true!" insisted the boy. "I had to force him,
but he did eat it!"


Three Little Pigs
Here's a First Grade, true story. One day the first grade
teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials
for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man
with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me
sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and
said, "I think he probably said 'Holy Crud!  A talking
pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the rest of the
day.
 

Baby, Baby
At one bus stop, a woman got on, holding her baby. The bus
driver said without thinking "Wow! That's the ugliest baby
I've ever seen."
Angry, the woman slapped her fare into the fare box and
stormed back to a seat near the rear of the bus. Seeing
that she was upset, the man sitting next to her asked what
was wrong.
"That bus driver insulted me," she said.
"Why, he's a public servant." The man replied. "He
shouldn't be allowed to insult passengers."
"You know what," the woman said, "you're right. I think
I'll just go right back up there and tell him what I think
of his manners."
 
"You should." The man agreed. "Here, let me hold your
monkey for you."


Have A Drink
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He
stays like that for half-an-hour. Then this bully steps up
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks
it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on
man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
can't stand to see a man crying."
 
The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my
life. First I get fired for oversleeping and getting to
work late. Then I'm leaving the building and find out my
car was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and forget my
wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then I find my wife in
bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and just
when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison."


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