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Tit For Tat

Two ministers were walking along a country road. One of them took a cigar out of his pocket, lit it and began to smoke. The other viewed this action with obvious disfavor, and didn't hesitate to say so. "Brother, I see you smoke. I am amazed at you. Are you not aware that it is an inex- cusably vile habit? Why, even a pig won't smoke!" They walked on in silence for a few minutes, and then the smoker uncorked the following reply, between puffs on his cigar: "Brother--I've been thinking of what you just said--about a pig not smoking--and I infer that you mean--to suggest some subtle resemblance--between me and a pig. But, my dear brother--inasmuch as you do not smoke--and the pig does not smoke--it appears to me that there is a greater resemblance between you and the pig--than between me and the pig!"

Curiosity

A man was walking along the side of a fence with an insane asylum on the other side. A patient was yelling "Five! Five! Five!" The man wondered why someone would yell like that when he came upon a hole in the fence. He stuck his eye up to the hole to see what was happening and a finger poked him in the eye. The patient then started to yell, "Six!, Six! Six!"

So Dumb It Hurts

A man stopped his car to ask for directions. "Excuse me, Sir. What's the quickest way to town?" "Are you walking or driving?" asked the local man. "I'm driving." "Well, that's the quickest way!"

Relief

An IRS Tax auditor came to review a mans records and said, "Mr. Peterson, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA and we expect you to pay your taxes with a smile." "What a relief!," said Mr. Peterson, "I thought you wanted me to pay with cash."

Confirmation

A man phones a mental hospital and asks if there is anybody in Room 13-A. The receptionist says, " Sir, that room is empty." "Great!" says the man. "That means I really DID escape!"

Emergency

An old man drove himself to the hospital, barely managing to walk in from the parking lot after suffering a horrible fall. The nurse said, "Oh, my! Sir, why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The man said, "I have an old phone. It doesn't have an eleven."

Job Interview

Joe is applying for a job at the railroad and during the interview, an inspector asks him: "What would you do if you saw two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Joe says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then Id use the manual lever", answers Joe. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" asks the inspector. "Id use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "Id use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "If that happened," Joe answers, " I'd run home and get my Aunt Wilma". The inspector asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because Aunt Wilma's never seen a train crash."

The Bear

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "Never better!," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. One day he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods and suddenly sees a bear. The bear is about to attack him when the hunter raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle... Suddenly, he hears a loud gunshot and the bear drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man, "Someone else must have shot the bear." "My point, precisely!"

Thief...Hic!

A drunk phoned the police, "My car's been vandalized! They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator!" The police were about ready to drive over to see what was left of the car when the drunk called a second time. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake!"

Holmes!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Holmes had a question for Watson. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson thought and answered. "The stars are bright and there are no clouds in the heavens. Therefore, I deduct that we will see a day full of sunshine. Tell me, Holmes. What do you deduct?" Holmes turned and said. "Watson, you moron. Someone stole our tent!"

Funny Accent

A child living in Kentucky asks his mother about their Boston relatives. "Why do they talk so funny? They always sound like their noses are stuffy." "Well, everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." "Oh, no!", the boy answered. "You mean they hear funny too?"

Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do chores around the house. When the examination was complete, he asked the doctor, "Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "In plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "I see," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Typical

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. About a half hour after they left, the old woman realized that she left her glasses on the table and had to go back to get them. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

Homework Tales

"Duane, where's your homework?" Miss Malone said sternly to the boy, holding out her hand. "I don't have it," the boy replied. "My dog ate it." "Duane, I've been a teacher for twenty years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?" "I swear it's true!" insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he did eat it!"

Three Little Pigs

Here's a First Grade, true story. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he probably said 'Holy Crud! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the rest of the day.

Baby, Baby

At one bus stop, a woman got on, holding her baby. The bus driver said without thinking "Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Angry, the woman slapped her fare into the fare box and stormed back to a seat near the rear of the bus. Seeing that she was upset, the man sitting next to her asked what was wrong. "That bus driver insulted me," she said. "Why, he's a public servant." The man replied. "He shouldn't be allowed to insult passengers." "You know what," the woman said, "you're right. I think I'll just go right back up there and tell him what I think of his manners." "You should." The man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey for you."

Have A Drink

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then this bully steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man crying." The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my life. First I get fired for oversleeping and getting to work late. Then I'm leaving the building and find out my car was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and forget my wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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