A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother
and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he
told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A
few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the
roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired
him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours, Steve was back home, having cut his trip
short in grief and in anger at his friend. He told his
friend, "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You
know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent the
message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today,' and the
next day you could've written 'Your cat fell off the roof'
and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to
continue his trip. A few days into his trip, he returns to
his hotel and there's a message waiting for him from his
The message read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there
were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no
matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five
minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I
tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your
wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents
heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After
a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the
A father asks a son to go to the neighbor's house to lend
a broom to sweep the floor. The son followed the order.
A few minutes later, he came back, saying: "Father, she says
she doesn't have it."
The father turns around and mumbles: "Stingy neighbor, I saw
you brought one home yesterday." Then he turns to his son and
says: "Go inside and get ours, then."
--This usually happens in the country area, where people
don't have money and so they try to keep something
as new and long as possible--
A bird flew around near a construction site and was suddenly
hit by a large huge piece of glass. He came back to the group
and told other birds that the air in that direction has
frozen. The other birds laughed and made fun of him.
"Where did you get that idea? Haha!!!"
The next day, they flew passed that site. Talking and
laughing, paying no attention to the warning.
"Hahahaha!!!Heheheheh.....Freezing Air, the funniest thing I've
ever hear. You know, maybe you should be...OUCH-H-H-H-!"
They all were KNOCKED! unconscious before they even know what
hit them. Except one.
--The moral: Staying behind comes in handy sometimes--
A patient came to a psychiatrist office to be treated.
After being asked a few questions, he couldn't help
it but asked: "You call that curing? Just talking like
The psychiatrist replied: "Correct. In fact it's hard
to tell who's curing who. Because, during this
conversation, you're are curing my financial
problem by paying for the service."
The patient reacted: "Oh, really. Hey, why don't
we switch seats?"
"Surely," responds the psychiatrist.
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the
car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics
of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have
occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars,
suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything,
comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the
windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and
maybe it'll work !?"
Gore and the Clinton's are flying on the Air Force One. Bill
looks at Al and says, "I could throw a $100 bill out the
window and make one person happy." Al chuckles and says,
"Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make
10 people happy." Then Hillary says, "I could throw 100 $1
bills out the window and make 100 people happy." Chelsea
rolls her eyes, looks at all of them, and says, "I could
throw all three of you out the window and make the whole
One day, there was a big flood. It was rising up to a man's house.
The army, navy, and air force were rescuing people from their houses.
An army jeep came up to a man's house that the water was rising up to.
Driver: Hey man! Get in!
Man: No! I'm trusting God!
The jeep drove off. The water rose up above his front porch.
The man went into his house. Just then, a man driving driving a
navy boat came up to his house.
Driver: Hey man! Get in! The water's getting high!
Man: No! I'm trusting God!
The wind started making huge waves. So the man drove off.
Suddenly, the water rose very high. The man then climbed to the
top of his house. Then, a helicopter from the air force flew in
and dropped a rope ladder down to the man.
Pilot: Hey man! Grab the ladder and let's get out of here!
Man: No! I'm trusting God!
After that, the water rose very high and the man drowned.
Then, the man went up to heaven and knew that he was there
and he saw God.
Man: Hey God, I'm glad to be here, but tell me one thing,
why didn't you save me from the flood?
God: Well, I sent you a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter.
What else did you want?
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up
the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Tech Support 2
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before.
I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Tech Support 3
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet
division for about a month when I had a customer call with a
problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.
All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled
me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but
green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine
except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges.
I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked.
I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the
customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked
quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead
of this yellow paper?"
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the
blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs
for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from
the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves
as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when...................
the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd
like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd
like to have it cut into: six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six
please, said the blonde. I don't think I could ever eat twelve.
Guy goes to the doctor and is told he has only six hours to
live. He rushes home and tells his wife and then says,
"Let's make love." They do and then they fall asleep. A
couple of hours later he wakes up and says,
"Honey, let's do it again." They do and again after a very
brief nap he says to her,
"Honey, how about doing it one more time?"
She replies, "Aw, come on, I have to get up in the morning.
The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the
doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm
sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of
highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time.
It will almost certainly be fatal."
"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.
"Do you want to write your will?"
"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."
Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused
him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.
"My darling Kristi," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice.
"I...I Have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with
your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," Kristi whispered softly.
"That's why I poisoned you."
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators.
He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire
also had a beautiful single daughter. So one day he decides
to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces:
"My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.
I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that
can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a
large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he
could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he made it to
the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said "My boy that was
incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well
I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want: my
daughter or the one million dollars?
The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't
want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me into that pool!
Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting
room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and
tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota
Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man,
"You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies.
"I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man
that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to,
the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"
Waiting At The Gate
Two men waiting at the gates of Heaven strike up a conversation.
"How did you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel
to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man.
"But in the end it isn't too bad. How did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "I knew my wife
was cheating on me, so one day I went home unexpectedly.
I found her alone in the bedroom, doing some knitting.
Then I ran all over the house looking for the man, starting
in the basement, but just as I got to the attic, I had a
massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic."
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer,
we'd both still be alive."
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes, and of how all blondes are perceived
as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes
really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she
decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she
gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at
5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks
into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor
in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat
at the same time. He rushes over and says, "Jeez, are you
She slowly nods her head yes.
"What are you doing?" he asks incredulously.
"I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb," she
started, "and I wanted to do it by painting the house."
"Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?"
he asks dumbfounded.
"Well," she says, "I was reading the directions on the paint
can and it said: For best results, put on two coats."
A couple goes to a wishing well. The guy leans over,
makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides
to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls
into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "WOW! It really works."
Yuppie Not From Fargo
A yuppie walks into a hardware store and asks for a
chainsaw. The salesman recommends the top of the line,
knowing the yuppie has the money for it. The yuppie
buys it, but brings it back a day later, complaining that
it only cut down one tree and it took forever.
The salesman takes the chainsaw from him, starts it
up to see what's wrong, and the startled yuppie says,
"What's that noise?"
A lady called the police to report that her husband
was missing. When the police arrived and asked for a
description, she said, "He's six-foot-tall, with wavy
blond hair and an athletic build."
The police went door-to-door looking for more information.
But the woman who lived at the next house said, "What?
That woman's husband is five-foot-four, with no hair
and a beer belly the size of Australia!"
The police immediately returned to ask the first lady why
she gave a false description for her husband.
The lady sighed and replied, "Just because he's missing,
that doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
A Penny Swallowed
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for
bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and
he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny
from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear.
Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it,
then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning
and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this,
his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't
do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told
him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's
sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning.
After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"
A woman is just getting out of the shower when
the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the
shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door,
so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her next-door
neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says,
"I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of him.
He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves.
Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel
back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from
the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the
$500 dollars he owes me?"
It's All In The Pronunciation
Two tourists driving through Louisiana were approaching
the town of Natchitoches when they began arguing about
the pronunciation of that town. Their argument continued
as they stopped for lunch.
Standing at the counter, one tourist decided to resolve
the issue by asking the employee. "Before we order, could
you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce the name of where we are? Slowly, please?"
The employee leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrr, grrrrrrrr, Kiiiinng."
The 10 Commandments of E-mail
Thou shalt edit thy email text down to the
minimum thou needest to communicate thy message.
If Thy email is more than three paragraphs long,
IT BETTER BE GOOD!
Thou shalt not email multiple photos at one time
so as to bog down the recipient's computer.
Thou shalt not forward something to the recipient
that has already been forwarded numerous times so
that the recipient has to keep "digging" for the message.
Thou shalt learn to use the "copy" and "paste" commands
on thy computer and create a new email with the frequently
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before
thou sendest it.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and grammar.
Thou shalt not use foul language, hard-to-read
fonts, multiple smiley faces, or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not send those electronic greeting
cards which require the recipient to get out of his
email program and retrieve it on some website. If
Thou has a message for the recipient, thou shalt
simply send it as a regular email.
Thou shalt not forward emails with long "mushy"
Thou shalt not forward email warnings of yet
another internet virus, hoax, or scam. It's the year 2000. I
think we all know by now to be extremely cautious of
anything that looks suspicious.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail,
especially from work.
Thou shalt not give out the email addresses of
others (especially to companies) without the permission
of that person.
When we were looking to buy property, I had this over zealous
realtor show us what can only be described as a totally
worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to
death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land
needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to
her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for
something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to
have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what
was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came
along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the
police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly
about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what
they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are
so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....",
replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder
where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex??!!"
I Know Why
One day a little girl goes up to her mom and asks her how old she is.
"That's not something adults like to tell," her mother replies.
Then the little girl asks her mother how much she weighs. "That's not
something adults like to talk about," she replies.
"How come you and daddy got a divorce?" the little girl asks.
"We don't like to talk about that either, honey." she says, ending the
The next day the little girl asks a friend about why her mother wouldn't
answer any of her questions.
The friend explains: "It's an adult thing. Just look at her driver's
license, it's like a report card for adult's. It will tell you everything
you need to know."
So when she got home from school she went up to her mother and said,
"Mommy, I know how old you are."
"How old?" her mother asked.
The little girl said: "I know how much you weigh."
"Yeah, you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced."
"Okay, why is that?" her mom said.
And the little girl replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"
Camp Counselor: How did your get that horrible swelling
on your nose?
Jimmy: I bent over to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There's no 'b' in rose.
Jimmy: There was in this one
A son writing home
Dear Mom and Dad:
Gue$$ what I need? Plea$e $end $some $oon.
Your $0n $tefan$$on
His parents reply
NOthing much is happening here. Please write
aNOther letter soon. Bye for NOw.
Mom and Dad
Who am I?
Patient: Doctor, something is wrong with me.
I keep thinking I'm a frog.
Doctor: How long has this been boing on?
Patient: Since I was a tadpole
Husband: I've got good news. We've saved
enough money for us to go cross-country
Wife: That's wonderful. When are we leaving?
Husband: As soon as we've saved enough money to get back.
Mother: How did you get that black eye?
Link: I was hit with tomatoes by the kids
Mother: Tomatoes gave you a black eye?
Link: They were in a can. Ouch! don't touch that.
I can't count
Counselor: Neo, if you had five pieces of candy,
and Jet-Li asked you for one, how many pieces
would you have left?
Psychiatrists tell us that one out of five people is mentally
ill. So check your bunkmates--if four of them seem to be
all right, you're the one.
City Slicker: So, how many bushels of apples do you think
you'll get from that tree?
City Slicker: That's too bad
Farmer: No, it isn't. That's a pear tree.
Diner: Waiter, do you serve crabs here?
Waiter: Sit down. We serve anyone
Diner: There's a fly drowning in my lemonade!
Waiter: Quick, give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!
Waiter: Have you tried the fish, sir?
Diner: Yes--and I found it guilty.
She: You remind me of the ocean.
He: You mean I'm deep and strong and wild?
She: No, I mean you make me sick.
Look for these best-sellers books during the summer
Learn To Swim in Thirty Seconds
by Bea A. Fish
Beach Vacations Around the World
by Yul B. Sandy
How To Treat Poison Ivy
Insects Are Your Friends
by Amos Keetah
Two atoms are siting in a bar,
atom 1(in a whisper): "I think I've lost an electron"
atom 2: "Are you sure"
atom 1: "I'm positive"